For a list of all the posts in this series, see here.
Elder Price is convinced that he can make a difference. He returns to the village to teach the natives about Joseph Smith.
Full Lyrics – “All-American Prophet”
Elder Price: You all know the Bible is made of Testaments Old and New
You’ve been told it’s just those two parts, or only one, if you’re a Jew
But what if I were to tell you there’s a fresh third part out there
That was found by a hip new prophet who had a little Donny Osmond flair?
I’m gonna take you back to Biblical times – 1823. An American man man named Joe livin’ on a farm in the holy land of Rodchester, New York.
Elder Cunningham: You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?
Elder Price: That’s right, that young man spoke to God!
Elder Cunningham: He spoke to God?
Elder Price: And God said:
“Joe, people really need to know that the Bible isn’t two parts! There’s a part THREE to the Bible, Joe! And I, God, have anointed you to dig up this part three that is buried by the tree on the hill in your backyard.”
Elder Price: Joseph Smith went up to that hill, and dug where he was told
And deep in the ground Joseph found shining plates of gold
Joseph Smith: What are these golden plates? Who buried them here, and why?
Elder Price: Then appeared an angel. His name was Moroni
Moroni: I am Moroni
Elder Price: The all-American angel
Moroni: My people lived here long, long ago
This is the history of my race. Please read the words within
We were Jews who met with Christ, but we were all-American
But don’t let anybody see these plates except for you
They are only for you to see
Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don’t
Just copy them onto normal paper
Even though this might make them question if the plates are real or not
This is sort of what God is going for
Joseph took the plates home, and wrote down what he found inside
He turned those plates into a book, then rushed into town and cried:
Joseph Smith: Hey! God spoke to me and gave me this blessed ancient tome
He hath commanded me to publish it, and stick it in every home
Elder Cunningham: Wow! So the Bible is actually a trilogy, and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi? I’m interested!
Elder Price: Now, many people didn’t believe the prophet Joseph Smith. They thought he’d made up this part three that was buried by a tree on the hill in his backyard.
Elder Price: But Joe said:
Joseph Smith: This is no lie
I speak to God all the time, and he told me to head west
So I’ll take my part three from the hill with the tree, feel free if you’d like to come along with me, to the promised land
Townspeople: The Promised Land?
Joseph Smith: Paradise, on the west coast. Nothing but fruit and fields as far as the eye can see
All: Have you heard of the all-American prophet?
He found a brand new book about Jesus Christ
We’re following him to paradise; we call ourselves Mormons
And our new religion is all-American
Elder Cunningham: Wow! How much does it cost!?
Elder Price: The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down,
But every time they thought they’d found it, they got kicked out of town!
And even though people wanted to see the golden plates,
Joseph never showed em!
Gotswana: I have maggots in my scrotum.
Elder Price: Um… okay. Well, anyway…
Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad
On the way to the promised land, Mormons made people mad
Joseph was shot by an angry mob, and knew he’d soon be done
Joseph Smith: You must lead the people now, my good friend Brigham Young.
Oh God, why are you letting me die without having me show people the plates?
They’ll have no proof I was telling the truth or not
They’ll have to believe it just… cause
Oh! I guess that’s kinda what you were going for
Elder Price: The prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in. But his followers, they kept on heading west. And Brigham Young led them to paradise. A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City! And there the Mormons multiplied, and made big Mormon families, generation to generation, until, finally, they made me. And now it’s my job to lead you where those early settlers were led long ago!
Townspeople and Price: Have you heard of the all-American prophet?
Elder Cunningham: Kevin Price!
Townspeople and Price: The next in line to be the voice of God
Elder Cunningham: My best friend!
All: He’s gonna do something incredible
And be Joseph Smith again
‘Cause Kevin Price the prophet is all-American
Elder Cunningham: If you order now, we’ll also throw in a set of steak knives